The Show Must Go On...
by Hestia
Summary: The Sailor Moon crew puts on Mina's home-made rendition of Little Red Riding Hood and other classic shows! Watch in horror as Rei goes insane with a baseball bat and Darien tries to eat Naruru!
1. Little Red Riding Hood

Hellooooooooo people people I am the author of this story and I just wanted to tell you that it won't be clever, hell it probably won't even be good, but it will be funny for those with an open (and strangely sick) mind. Enjoy!

WELCOME TO THE WORLD PREMIERE OF THE Théâtre des Sailor Scouts!

Here you will witness incredible feats of strength and skill and also some nice acting on the side.

Ami: Hey I wanna do Porgy and Bess!!!

Rei: Gershwin sucks.

Ami: How could you say that?!

Bunny: What's Porky and Cess?

Ami: _Porgy and Bess_ is an opera.

Bunny: Oh. What's an opera?

Rei: BUNNY YOU AIRHEAD!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Act One, Scene One

Announcer: And now, we present Little Red Riding Hood!

Bunny: *hops out in a playboy bunny outfit* WOLF!!! WOLF!!!

Rei: *whispers* I think that's a cross between her strange mind and The Boy Who Cried Wolf. I'm not really sure though.

Ami: *sigh* The show must go on

Bunny: Oh I'm not afraid of the big bad wolf, the big bad wolf, the big bad wolf!

Darien: Oh for god's sake, Bunny, this is Little Red Riding Hood. *walks onstage in a wolf costume*

Bunny: Yeah, and?

Darien: You're making a fool of yourself.

Rei: Oh for god's sake LITA! Get over here!

Lita: What?

Ami: Rei what are you doing?

Rei: *puts a red cloak on Lita and hands her a basket* Go save the show!

Lita: Why me? *skips onstage* Over the river and through the woods, to grandmother's house we go!

Rei: Oh my god

Ami: Well has anyone seen Andy?

Rei: No, why?

Ami: He was the woodcutter/father.

Rei: Oh god

Andy: Sorry I'm late! *runs in, out of breath* Had to fix the Sailor V game again.

Mina: *unconscious, sleeping on a lounge chair*

Ami: Okay okay just put on your costume!

Andy: *starts taking off his clothes*

Ami: NOT HERE!!!

Rei: *elbows Ami* shut up shut up!

Bunny: THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC!!!!!

Darien: NO NO NO PLEASE DEAR GOD NO!!!

Lita: *shoves Bunny into a plastic bush* Oh big bad wolf, I must deliver these treats to my dear sick grandmother!

Darien: *sigh of relief* Well there's a shortcut over there. *points*

Lita: Thanks! *skips offstage*

Darien: I have directed Little Red Riding Hood in the wrong direction!!!

Ami: Who wrote this?

Rei: Um Mina, I think.

Mina: *snore*

Darien: Now it will take her twice as long to reach her grandmother's house and I shall eat her grandmother and take her place and eat the treats and Lita- I mean Little Red Riding Hood! BWAHAHAHAHA! *runs offstage*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Act One, Scene Two

Ami: Well it's not going so bad

Rei: You're kidding, right?

Bunny: *gets out of the plastic bush* I have overheard a diabolical scheme! I must save Little Red Riding Hood and her grandmother!

Ami: Oh no oh no

Rei: Oh my god

Bunny: SILVER MOON CRYSTAL POWER!!! *transforms into Eternal Sailor Moon*

Ami: I can't believe it.

Rei: AIRHEAD!!! *runs onstage and jumps on Eternal Sailor Moon*

E. S. M.: GAAAAH REI GET OFF I NEED TO SAVE INNOCENT PEOPLE!!!

Rei: THIS IS A PLAY, AIRHEAD!!! *grabs E. S. M.'s hair*

E. S. M.: GAAAH!!! LET GO REI!!! *runs around, dragging Rei behind her*

Ami: The show must go on

Andy: *completely naked* Um Ami? Do you know where my costume is?

Ami: *staring* Um

Andy: It's kinda cold in here, don't you think?

Ami: Um

Mina: *waking up* How long till the show starts?

Ami: Um

Mina: *jumps up* Ami, you sly fox, you!

Ami: Um

E. S. M.: THE EVIL MUST BE VANQUISHED!!!

Rei: IT'S A PLAY!!! A PLAY!!! WITH ACTORS!!!

E. S. M.: This is no time for playing, Rei. Now LET GO OF MY HAIR!!!

**Author's Note**

This is unbelievably dumb.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Act One, Scene Three

Mina: Good god, Andy. Your costume is over there. *points*

Andy: Thanks! *goes and puts it on*

E. S. M.: GET OFF GET OFF!!!

Ami: *rolls a baseball bat onto the stage*

Rei: *nods at Ami* Thanks. *takes the baseball bat* It's lights out for you, Sailor Moon.

E. S. M.: Rei what are you going to do with that?

Rei: *hits E. S. M. over the head, knocking her out* Mission accomplished.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Act Two, Scene One

**after the short intermission Bunny is put in a straight jacket and gagged so she doesn't try to vanquish any evil, Andy has successfully located and adorned his costume, and the scene has changed to grandmother's house**

Ami: Okay, now Darien has his big solo scene.

Rei: *is tying Bunny to a chair*

Mina: Ooooo sounds fun.

Darien: *runs onstage* hahaha!

Naruru (playing Grandmother): Who's there?

Darien: Um line?

Ami: Oh god

Naruru: are you Little Red Riding Hood?

Darien: OH YEAH! I mean, um yes, I am. I have brought treats!

Naruru: Lovely. Is it that Gucci purse I want really badly?

Darien: Um no. I made muffins, though!

Naruru: Oh. Well give it here.

Darien: Um ROAR!!!

Ami: What the?

Mina: I'm so excited!!!

Darien: I will eat you now. *jumps on Naruru*

Naruru: WHAT THE HELL? YOU SICK FUCK!!! OUCH YOU BIT ME!!!

Darien: Well duh, I'm eating you.

Naruru: GAAAAH!!! *runs offstage*

Ami: *sweatdrop* The show must go on

Darien: *puts on an ugly bonnet and gets in granny's bed* Now I will eat Little Red Riding Hood when she arrives with my treats!!!

Mina: I wrote this, didn't I?

Ami: You just figured that out now?!

Mina: Well I just woke up!

Ami: 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Act Two, Scene Two

Lita: *skips onstage* Grandmother I have arrived and I have brought with me treats!!!

Darien: Wonderful, dear. Now come really close to me so I can reach you easily and hold you in case you try to escape.

Mina: I wrote such beautiful words

Ami: You ruined a classic Brothers Grim story

Lita: Um okay. Wait a minute you've got huge ears!

Darien: Um I have bigearitis.

Mina: *sob* I wrote such beautiful words

Lita: Um you have big teeth, too.

Darien: All the better to eat you with!!!

Mina: I wrote that?

Ami: No, Mina. Those are the right lines.

Mina: Oh.

Darien: *jumps on Lita*

Lita: EEEEEEEEE!!!!

Bunny: *throws Rei off of her* I'll save you, Little Red Riding Hood! SILVER MOON CRYSTAL POWER!!! *turns into Eternal Sailor Moon*

Ami: Oh no

Rei: Where's that bat?

Mina: Brilliant!!!

**Author's Note**

Proceed with caution

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Act Two, Scene Two

Lita: I'LL RUN AWAY NOW!!! *runs around the stage*

Darien: I'LL EAT YOU!!! *chases Lita*

E. S. M.: I'LL SAVE YOU!!! *chases Darien*

**they all rum around the stage for a bit, then Rei comes out and chases them all with the baseball bat**

Ami: Andy?

Andy: Yes, Ami?

Ami: You're a woodcutter, so the axe is part of your costume, right?

Andy: Yeah, sure, *pulls out an axe*

Ami: Give it to me. *takes the axe*

Mina: What are you going to do with it?

Ami: The show must go on AAAAAH!!! *runs onstage and chases Rei with the axe*

Rei: AAAAAAH!!!

E. S. M.: AAAAAAAH!!!

Darien: AAAAAAH!!!

Lita: AAAAAAAH!!!

Mina: *shrugs and grabs a metal pipe from the scenery* AAAAAAH!!! *runs onstage and chases Ami*

**the entire set starts to shake**

Ami: AAAA- *stops chasing* Mina, what did you do?

Mina: AAAAH!!! Oh, what? I just took a pipe to chase people with.

Ami: That pipe supported the scenery

**the following events can only be described as "stupid" but for dramatic purposes it can be described as "hectic". The entire set shook like it was located at the San Andreas Fault Line and everyone ran for cover**

Lita: RUN!!! *runs offstage*

Darien: I AM!!!! *jumps off the stage and runs out the door*

Rei: GAAAAAH!!! *runs after Darien*

Ami: The show definitely won't go on *grabs Mina and Andy and runs to safety*

E. S. M.: Um guys? *a piece of pipe falls from the ceiling* gaaah! *dives off the stage just as the curtains fall and the set breaks*

The End

Ami: And the moral of this story is--

Mina: Don't trust big bad wolves?

Ami: No. Never give Rei a baseball bat.


	2. The Boy Who Cried Wolf

WELCOME BACK TO THE Théâtre des Sailor Scouts!

Tonight's show is The Boy Who Cried Wolf!

Darien: Why do I always play a wolf?

Naruru: Because you bite.

Bunny: STOP TALKING ABOUT MY DARIEN, YOU SLUT!!!

Ami: Girls, girls, don't fight!!!

Rei: Or I'll get my baseball bat.

Mina: ***shudder*** A scary thought

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Act One, Scene One

Andy: La dee da I have a herd of sheep!!! La la la la la!!! ***skips onstage***

Darien: I AM A WOLF!!! GRAAAARRRLLL!!! ***runs onstage***

Andy: Um I don't think you come on yet.

Darien: But I have to eat the sheep.

Ami: Oh god this is already going terribly wrong.

Rei: Where's the bat?

Andy: I have to pretend there's a wolf and make the villagers angry first.

Naruru: ***dressed in a peasant outfit from days of yore*** We're already angry,

Darien: Um ROAR!!!!

Mina: I like it!

Bunny: Oh no, the poor sheep are in danger! I'LL SAVE YOU DOGS, erm SHEEP!!! SILVER MOON CRYSTAL POW–

Rei: ***jumps on Bunny*** Not this time, you don't!

Bunny: ***runs onstage with Rei on top of her*** GET OFF GET OFF!!!

Rei: SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!

Ami: Sweet miserable Jesus

Mina: This is funky. It's cool!

Darien: Well I guess I'll eat the sheep now. ***bites a sheep***

Ruruna: ***gets out of the sheep*** YOU IDIOT!!! IT'S JUST ME IN A SHEEP COSTUME!!!

Darien: Oh. Well what were you doing in a sheep costume?!

Ami: Someone please stop this madness.

Rei: Ami, you know how you always wanted to be a doctor?

Ami: Of course.

Rei: You wouldn't happen to have any sedatives handy, would you?

Ami: Let me check

**50cc of morphene later**

Bunny: ***tied in a chair***

Rei: Well one problem is solved.

**Naruru and Ruruna chase Darien around the stage**

Rei: And one to go.

Mina: I like this. It's funny.

Rei: Bat.

Ami: ***hands Rei the baseball bat***

Rei: Thank you. AAAAAAAH!!! ***runs onstage and starts whacking everyone***

Darien: ***grabs some morphene and injects Rei*** Hahaha!

Rei: I would hit you. but I'm happy and sleepy. ***falls asleep onstage***

Andy: NOOOOOOO!!!!!

Ami: The show must go on

Andy: WOLF!!! WOLF!!!

Ami: C'mon, Mina that's our cue.

**Ami, Mina and Naruru run onstage dressed as villagers**

Villagers: WHAT? WHAT?

Andy: The wolf is going to eat my sheep!

Mina: I'LL SAVE YOU! ***runs offstage***

Ami: Where?

Mina: ***runs onstage with a fire extinguisher*** Wolf, meet your white, gooey, fire-extinguishing match!

Darien: Ooo, so red and shiny. What is it?

Mina: HAHAHA!!! ***sprays Darien with the white, gooey, fire-extinguishing stuff*** A FIRE EXTINGUISHER!!!

Ami: The show must go on

Naruru: ***pats Ami's shoulder*** I don't think so, dear.

**Later, Bunny and Rei are sleeping in bed, Ruruna gets a band-aid for her bite, and Darien is plastered to the floor by white, gooey, fire-extinguishing stuff**

Mina: Looks like a job well done.

Ami: Looks like we should apologize to the audience.

Naruru: Looks like the show is over.

The End

Ami: The moral of _this_ story is

Naruru: Never give Mina a fire extinguisher?

Ami: No. Never let Darien play a wolf.

**Author's Note**

Isn't it strange how this was all one scene?


	3. The Three Little Pigs

AGAIN YOU HAVE FOUND YOURSELF AT THE Théâtre des Sailor Scouts!

Tonight's show is oh dear god no The Three Little Pigs.

Mina: I wrote it!

Ami: I shudder to imagine

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Act One, Scene One

Naruru: I am a pig! ***runs onstage in a piggie costume***

Ruruna: I am also a pig! ***follows Naruru***

Hotaru: I'm sort-of a pig ***walks onstage with pink construction paper glued to **

her*

Darien: AND I AM A WOLF! I WILL EAT YOU! ***runs onstage a wolf again***

Hotaru: Oh. No. What. Ever. Shall. We. Do?

Naruru: What's that smell?

Ami: ***whispers*** Is that line in the script?

Mina: Not that I know of.

Darien: Sorry I made a butt-biscuit.

Rei: what?

Ruruna: EEEWWW GROSS!!!

Naruru: YOU SICK FUCK! ***runs offstage***

Hotaru: Um the bathroom's over there. ***points***

Darien: Thanks. ***runs offstage***

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Act One, Scene Two

Ami: Who's going to play the wolf while Darien cleans himself?

Andy: I WILL I WILL!!!

Rei: Okay. ***hands him the wolf costume from Little Red Riding Hood***

Mina: What's a butt-biscuit?

Ami: Um

Rei: Poopy pants.

Mina: Oh. Gross.

Bunny: I wanna be a pig.

Naruru: You can have my part.

Bunny: YAY!!! ***runs onstage*** Oh I'm going to grandmother's house. I hope a wolf doesn't eat me!

Ami: I just don't care anymore.

Ruruna and Hotaru: ***follow Bunny onstage*** Let's build houses.

Bunny: Um okay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Act Two, Scene One

Darien: I'm back.

Andy: I didn't get to be the wolf!!!

Bunny: We are building houses! Houses! Fun! ***throws some straw around***

Ruruna: ***makin' house from sticks***

Hotaru: ***makin' house from bricks***

Darien: ***runs onstage*** I will blow you!

Ruruna: Um

Darien: Your houses down!!! BLAAARGH!!!!

Bunny: Wolf!!! WOLF!!!

Hotaru: SHUT UP STUPID WE KNOW IT'S A WOLF!!!

Naruru: ***runs onstage and jumps on Darien*** RUN AWAY BEFORE THE SICK MUDDAFUCKA BLOWS YOU!!!

Ruruna: He's going to blow our houses down, not blow us.

Naruru: Oh. ***climbs down from Darien's head and walks offstage***

Darien: I'm allergic to straw. I can't blow down the straw house or else I'll get an asthma attack.

Bunny: YEAH!! MY HOUSE IS SAFE!

Ruruna: My house is stupid-looking. ***kicks it down***

Darien: Hey wait I'm supposed to blow it.

Naruru: NOW THE SICK MUDDAFUCKA WANTS TO BLOW YOUR HOUSE!!!

Ruruna: He wants to blow the house _down_.

Naruru: Oh. ***shuts up***

Darien: Well I guess I have to go for the bricks now.

Hotaru: ***squeal***

Darien: I'll huff and I'll puff–

Naruru: THE SICK MUDDAFUCKA'S ON DRUGS! HE WANTS A PUFF!!

Rei: Ami

Ami: Morphene?

Rei: Yes please.

Ami: ***hands Rei a syringe filled with 20cc of morphene*** Good luck.

Rei: Thanks. ***runs onstage*** NARURU YOU SICK DOG GET OVER HERE SO I CAN SHUT YOU UP ONCE AND FOR ALL!!

Naruru: -squee- ***runs around the stage being chased by Rei***

Rei: ***jumps on Naruru*** GOTCHA!

Hotaru: Um new scene please.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Act Two, Scene Two

**20cc and quite a bit of running around later, Darien is ready to blow some houses!**

Darien: I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down! SHMOO!! ***blows really hard at Hotaru's brick house***

House: ***falls down***

Hotaru: Well that wasn't supposed to happen.

Ami: ***shakes head*** That's what you get from using cardboard scenery

Mina: How exciting!

Darien: Now I'll eat you! ***jumps on Hotaru***

Hotaru: FFFUCK!!! ***runs around screaming***

Naruru: I'll save you, Hotaru!!! ***jumps on Darien***

Ami: How much morphene?

Rei: I guess 20cc wasn't enough.

Hotaru: FFFUCK!! THAT SICK BASTARD BIT ME!!

Naruru: ***hits Darien with a big stick*** YOU'RE GOING DOWN YOU SICK MUDDAFUCKA!!!

Darien: WHAT DID I DO!!! I'M A WOLF!! I EAT PIGS!!

Hotaru: You don't eat _humans_ though!!!

Darien: Well, you're dressed up like a pig! How was I supposed to know you aren't one!!!

Hotaru: I HAVE PINK PAPER GLUED TO ME!!! I LOOK NOTHING LIKE A PIG!!!

Naruru: Now where did I leave my boric acid? Hmm ***looks around*** Oh! There it is! ***shows audience a test tube filled with dangerous-looking junk inside*** This stuff can eat through a cow!

Darien: you're not going to use that on me, are you?

Naruru: Of course! BWAAAAAAH!!! ***runs after Darien who's screaming like a little girl***

Bunny: MUUDAFUCKA GET AWAY FROM MY MAN!!!

Ruruna: Um curtain?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Act Two, Scene Three

Ami: Let's just apologize to the audience and go home, okay?

Rei: Okay.

The End

Mina: But there's a moral of the story right?

Rei: Of course.

Ami: The moral of the story is

Mina: Don't give Naruru boric acid?

Ami: No. Don't quit your day job.


	4. Mina's Original?The Wolf That Ate Los An...

WELCOME BACK TO THE Théâtre de Sailor Scouts! It has been a long break since anything this stupid ha taken place here—We've mostly just had tea parties and sewing conventions for the past three months! Returning to the stage are the wonderful actors named the Sailor Scout Troupe who also recently saved the world several times

Rei: GET ON WITH THE STORY DAMMIT!

Okay okay. Today you shall see _The Giant Wolf That Ate Los Angeles_!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Act One, Scene One

Rei: Is this a real play? ***offstage***

Ami: No, it's a Mina Original. ***also offstage***

Mina: Damn straight. ***lying on a lounge chair in her bathing suit, offstage***

Naruru: So I'm the narrator?

Ami: Yes.

Naruru: ALL RIGHT! ***walks onstage*** Ehem. In his secret laboratory, Dr. Pickle works on a potion that is supposed to turn the drinker into the most handsome person in the world, but probably won't seeing as it's just some water with green food dye in it!

Ami: ***hangs her head***

Darien: ***walks onstage wearing a scientist's white lab coat, holding a test tube with said green water in it*** I must be the greatest genius in the world! Hahahahahaha! I will test the potion on myself! ***drinks it and starts screaming and running around***

Rei: Isn't this sort-of like that Doctor Shmeshafesha and Mr. Hiding or something?

Ami: Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde?

Rei: That's what I said.

Ami: 

Darien: ***runs offstage and puts on the wolf costume then runs back on*** ROAR!

Rei: Do wolves roar?

Ami: Not that I know of.

Naruru. Oh no. Now the wolf is going to destroy Los Angeles.

Darien: ***starts ripping up cheap cardboard buildings***

Bunny: Oh no! A despicable evildoer doing despicable, evil deeds! I must stop it!

Ami: The show must go on

Bunny: SILVER MOON CRYSTAL POWER!!!

Ami: Just once I wanted to do a real play just once

Eternal Sailor Moon: Stop right there, evildoer!

Darien: Bunny?

ESM: ARGH! ***jumps on Darien and starts biting him***

Naruru: Um Eternal Sailor Moon has come to the rescue! Will she be able to save the city?

Ami: ***lying on the floor, sprawled out with her eyes closed, humming a Bach _musette in a minor_***

Rei: ***pokes Ami's head*** Ami? This is actually turning out to be pretty good. Sailor Moon has to save the city from a mad scientist who accidentally turned himself into a giant wolf. Not a bad original play, if I do say so myself.

Ami: ***stops singing and opens her eyes*** Really?

Darien: FUUUUUUUCKK!!!

Rei: Really.

Ami: Well you know what I always say. The show must go on!

Andy: That's the spirit!!

Ami: Where did you come from?

Andy: I've been here the entire time but this story/script never mentioned me.

Ami: Oh okay

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Act One, Scene Two

Naruru: Eternal Sailor Moon does battle with the despicable evildoer who is destroying Los Angeles!

Darien: Roar!

ESM: The sun high above may forgive your evil deeds, but I do not!

Rei: She got that one from _The Slayers_ that's a great show by the way. You (the reader) should watch it. SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES WILL BRAINWASH YOU! GO BUY A RUBBER CHICKEN!

Darien: You cannot stop me, Eternal Sailor Moon! I'm a big bad wolf!

Naruru: Yeah, _sure_

Darien: Bwahahahaha! ***starts ripping up more cardboard buildings***

ESM: MOON ATTACK THINGY THAT LOOKS LIKE A BUNCH OF PLAYING-CARD ACES FLYING THROUGH THE AIR IN A SPIRAL!

Darien: Oh no! Not the Moon Attack Thingy That Looks Like A Bunch Of Playing-Card Aces Flying Through The Air In A Spiral!!! AAAAAAARGH!!! ***runs offstage***

ESM: I have defeated the villain!

****

*massive burst of applause from the audience*

Ami: I I don't believe it. The play was a hit. The audience liked it.

Rei: Yeah. Who would've guessed an airhead with big blond balls on her head dressed in a sports bra and a really colorful short skirt with a big stick with a heart on one end could save the show?

Mina: I didn't.

Ami: You were sleeping.

Mina: So?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Act Two, Scene One

Ami: This story has a moral.

Mina: If at first you don't succeed

Naruru: Try try again?

Ami: No. Even Bunny is useful sometimes.


End file.
